Ah, the best-laid plans of mice and men …

We wanted to provide an accurate list of movies you might enjoy seeing, but the poofreader took a few days off, and the typist got a bit careless. Nevertheless, let’s see how many movie titles you can ferret out of these descriptions.

Here’s how it works: We provide false information on a movie, and, helped by a few clues, you conjure up the new title. For example, this movie stars Prof. John Forbes Nash, who ponders the loveliness of a chocolate confection of the kind you’ll find on your pillow in a fancy hotel. The answer: A Beautiful Mind becomes A Beautiful Mint.

E-mail or hand-deliver your answers, and if you have movie titles of your own, send them to one of these e-mail addresses: aartbt@rezio.net or atrujillo@lasvegasoptic.com. Each movie title will have at least one change, in spelling or pronunciation — or even an atrocious pun. Deadline: Noon Monday.

1. This movie, based on a book by John Carlin, stars Morgan Freeman as Nelson Mandela. Before the World Cup rugby matches, some cops charge the players with crimes, and the local D.A. convinces a grand jury there’s enough evidence to take them to court. Continue reading →

How many times have you been admonished: “Don’t try this at home”?

We read the notice most often on television, when someone demonstrates some kind of skill that might prove dangerous if someone goes ahead and attempts it, without proper supervision.

Where I work, there’s a surprising amount of humor swatted back and forth. We in the newsroom would carry off all honors if there were actual competition, perhaps a trophy being offered. So when we fellows in the newsroom share some of our humor, we implore others not to try it at home. They might be disappointed.

But back to things that matter: Continue reading →

Last week I wrote a column about my perception that children with greater financial means appeared to receive more leeway in elementary school. As a student of a private, Catholic school, Immaculate Conception, in Las Vegas, I generally felt treated well and respected.

That was most of the time. But during at least one year in elementary school, I felt there wasn’t exactly ethnic discrimination, but a bit of a class (as in social, financial status, side of town) distinction. That was the gist of my column, which leaves the question, “Has anything changed?”

The pervading theme of that column was whether and in what way some people feel elevated by putting someone down. And the illustration I used, the time my attempt to “out” someone who was cheating on a spelling test, backfired, is evidence that I too thought I could score points by getting someone else in trouble. I thought then it was good to accentuate the negative.

Just as one can conceivably rise by stepping over bodies of those underneath, I often wondered how put-downs provide a leg up. Continue reading →

One of many things I regret as a youngster was ever trying to become a member of Sister’s Brigade. My compunction has had to do with telling tales. And as we know, some can tell ‘em, some can’t.

Let me explain:

In the Las Vegas of my early years, there was a great deal of stratification. Although the strata often fell along ethnic lines, I suspect it was more a matter of the haves and the have-nots. And much of the enrollment at my school, Immaculate Conception, came from areas on the east side of town, Grand, Railroad, Pecos and Commerce.

Almost all of us east-siders walked to school; as for many students from the more affluent areas, their parents chauffeured them. And a precious few high schoolers got to drive their own cars. One car driven by a member of a wealthy (for the time) clan, took up lots of acreage on National, in front of the school. Remember, in those days, the 1940s, parking wasn’t a problem. Continue reading →

Remember a few weeks ago when some of us spotted an unusual expression in Parade Magazine? The cover story, about a female football coach identified the woman as “one of the only” such coaches. The issue was whether “one of” can ever be an “only.”

A column followed on that and other strange uses of language. Well, the same publication, Parade, chose a strange way of expressing things at least once before — or so I thought. Back in the days when popular heartthrobs Eddie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds were courting, Parade published a cover story titled “Debbie and Me.” Continue reading →

The entrance to hell bears the following admonition: “Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.” That message, part of the 14th-century work, The Divine Comedy, by Dante, came to mind as I listened to a couple of famous people who should know better.

Consider: The language of Shakespeare and Milton is being reduced to a few (very few) mono-syllables designed mainly to pique one’s interest in partyin’, eatin’, cruisin’, and meetin’.

But no, that’s too harsh. Obviously, users of this form of communication have loftier purposes, but they need to express them quickly, before a cop spots them.

Let me explain: Continue reading →

There’s a line in “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” in which George, the host, asks his wife Martha to show their guest “to the ‘euphemism.’”

The guest in this play by Edward Albee needed to visit the bathroom after having consumed several too many drinks.

Euphemism: a mild or indirect word substituted for one considered blunt. It’s the policy of using “bathroom,” “lounge,” “restroom” or “loo” in lieu of “toilet.” The Europeans almost always use “toilet.”

But let’s get to the point: Monday I underwent a mild surgical procedure at Alta Vista, as part of a yearly process for many men my age. If I’d had my appendix removed, I’d say so — no euphemism needed. This — er — procedure is of a more private nature, simply something that required a pauper’s diet, a 30-hour regimen of coffee, Jell-O, clear juices and broth. Continue reading →

Trying to catch a few winks after a particularly long, bumpy flight from Copenhagen to Minneapolis, on an airport bench specifically designed to prevent waiting passengers from snoozing, I grew annoyed at somebody.

So did hundreds of drained passengers trying to cop a few zees, while a man with a bellicose voice prevented any slumbering.

Let me explain:

We’d just completed a 12-hour return trip, followed immediately by a grueling customs-airport security inspection and were waiting for our flight to Albuquerque, provided we lived through the six-hour layover. I thought of feeding my morbid curiosity. “Isn’t this the place where Larry Craig got busted for attempting a lewd act?” I asked my wife, Bonnie. Continue reading →

Readers of this column may recall treatises on single words and short phrases. Over the years, I’ve tackled individual words like “so” and its myriad meanings; “myriad,” “like,” “ya know” and “sorry.” More recently, there was a bilingual plunge into the words “tú” and “usted.”

This time, I’ll respond to submissions from readers regarding various phrases that sometimes confuse us. Last week this column contained a reference to the misuse of the language by GOP gubernatorial aspirant Susana Martinez, who said, “As governor, that will change.”

Martinez’s political promise implies that the governor is a “that” and that the winner in November will change. What she refers to is certain Richardson administration policies.

Well, we’re not necessarily picking on Republicans and their misuse of the language. Why, some of my best friends are both language abusers and Republicans. Now, Democrat congressional incumbent Martin Heinrich is making claims in his TV spots that can’t be borne out. He says, “Growing up, my father ….” Continue reading →

Last week’s column on the use of “tú” and “usted” taught me a word that I would have thought of purely as slang, something conjured up for the nonce, for lack of the precise word, like when we use “typiar” as Spanish for “to type.”

We invent words. We give them the familiar Spanish verb ending and sometimes get by. To “wreckear” un carro is common, and to “watchar” one’s back has become a language staple for many.

The new word (to me), introduced by Art Vargas, is “tutear.” It appears in Spanish dictionaries and means simply, “let’s be on familiar terms.” Imagine a conversation laden with “usted,” among peers. One conversant might then say, “Vamos a tutear,” which gives both people leave to drop the formality of “usted” and use the familiar “tú.” I’m impressed and promise to tutear very soon. And some of my best friends are admitted tuteadores. The French word “tutoyer” provides an analogous version of addressing someone familiarly. Continue reading →