The seasons are confused. Where else would we the people lengthen the day, under something called Daylight Saving Time, when each day is already getting longer? Similarly, we shorten days that are already on their way to being abbreviated.
And we play a lot with the presumed ending times. Well, I’m still here, as I assume most of you are, possibly to the disappointment of the Mayans, who told us the world was about to end a couple of weeks ago. Imagine the embarrassment of some who may have believed the end was to be the next day.
So they partied, drank, caroused and let loose as if there were no tomorrow, which to them, that was a possibility. But then to have to report to work the next day … What kinds of explanations might one come up with for the previous night’s riotous behavior? I can hear it now: “But Honey, I really believed the world was ending.”
New Year’s Day itself is confusing. Remember, that’s the day we enforce all our resolutions: to be more organized, to save 10 percent of our earnings, to contribute more to the church, to develop better habits, and — especially on Jan. 1 — to lose some weight.
Some have asked me why that familiar bit of poundage stopped appearing under my photo in Work of Art. Well, the answer’s simple: We hesitate to keep reporting old news. So if there’s no change — and regrettably there hasn’t been — let’s skip the weight until there’s some progress.
But speaking for a great many people, I think New Year’s Day is confused because it’s the start of a host of college bowl games that will be watched by millions. It’s difficult to watch an entire game without a bowl of popcorn or chips at hand, and sometimes even a beer. So what do we do? Do we say, “I promise to mend my ways right after this game?” And even those who don’t watch football but who go to Blue Jeans bashes on New Year’s Eve may want to spend the next day recovering from partying. The after-effects of partying don’t conduce right away to eating healthy and going for a brisk walk.
Overdosing on football games spoils the “clean slate” idea of starting our diets and exercise regimen immediately after the last bit of fireworks and gunfire have died out, signaling the New Year. Yes, this season is confusing.
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There was some reaction to my comments in a previous column regarding the existence of only one fruitcake. I mentioned that the single cake never got eaten but instead made the rounds, being endlessly re-gifted.
A frequent contributor to this column, Ben Moffett, opines that instead of the single cake making the rounds, there “might be no more than twenty or thirty.” Then Moffett adds, “I spit out the first bite I tried. Four or five years ago, however, I bit into one to remind myself how bad it was and I liked it. I liked the rummy taste, and I began to eat pieces whenever one came in. I think I may have eaten five or 10 of the 20 or so floaters over the years.”
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Rob Kyff, who writes an online column on language, collected some examples submitted by readers on some rather creative uses of the language. Here are a few, paraphrased, with random comments added:
Can you spot the blots?
- “North Korea and Iran are rouge, dangerous nations.” But can they make up with their enemies? (Spotted by Mark Lander, Old Lyme, Conn.)
- “I was mustard out of the Air Force.”
- “You reap what you sew.” (Wash Gjebre, Greensburg, Pa.)
- “The pigs come to the troth to eat and fight over every scrap.” (Bernadine Schwartzentruber, Lowville, N.Y.)
- “There are wrung-neck pheasants everywhere.” Presumably dead. (John Cook via email)
- “Weave been talking about this for a few years.” Is a solution looming? (Greg Miller, Trenton, N.J.)
- “The breakfast and the Rotary meeting were followed by the dedication and installation of a plague.” A ceremony marked by infectious enthusiasm. (Peg Carlton, Simsbury, Conn.)
- “The water … (is) not hot enough to scold the tea leaves and make them bitter.” (Chris Ryan, N.Y.)
- “She is now a high schoolteacher.”
- “Ino Guerrero, normally a batting practice picture, (was) at the plate.” Is he skilled at painting the corners? (Frank Eastwood, New Haven, Conn.)
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Corrections:
1. rogue, 2. mustered, 3. sow, 4. trough, 5. ring-necked, 6. We’ve, 7. plaque, 8. scald, 9. high school teacher, 10. pitcher
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The arrival of Christmas was also confusing; it should have come on a weekend. Regardless, I assume the hymns and carols — sent anonymously — aren’t yet that far-removed from your memory and you ought to be able to identify all these titles:
- Bleached Yule
- Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration
- Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors
- Righteous Darkness
- Arrival Time 2400 hours — Weather Cloudless
- Loyal Followers Advance
- Far Off in a Feeder
- Array the Corridors
- Bantam Male Percussionist
- Monarchial Triad
- Nocturnal Noiselessness
- Jehovah Deactivate the Blithe Chevaliers
- Red Man En Route to Borough
- Frozen Precipitation Commence
- Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle
- The Quadruped with the Vermilion Proboscis
- Query Regarding Identity of Descendant
- Delight for this Planet
- Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings
- The Dozen Festive 24-Hour Intervals
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Stay well, do good works and be sure to over-tip your breakfast server.