“I better not catch him looking at my girl.” Well, aside from the fact that “I” should really be “I’d,” or “I had,” the sentence does pose a threat, the kind kids make on playgrounds, usually under the guise of wanting to protect his girl, his property, as if anyone in the school were the possession of someone else.

But let’s put this into context. The implied “better not” message apparently is that the other fellow who looks at the girl is owed a beating. But the threat doesn’t say that at all. It simply implies it would be best if the “owner” doesn’t find out about the gawking.

Simple? One of these “better not” threats came at the end of a forever-forwarded e-mail message. Titled “Strange Coincidences,” it exhorted the thousands of recipients to pass it on, chain-letter style. The e-mail provided some interesting information of the multiple Biblical references to Iraq. One of them places the Garden of Eden in Iraq, and another says, “Mesopotamia, which is now Iraq, was the cradle of civilization.” The e-mail also locates Noah’s Ark and the Tower of Babel in Iraq.

And the message concludes with an allusion to the Koran which alludes to the eagle, representing the U.S., venting its spleen “throughout the lands of Allah.” Obviously, this nameless author is a big supporter of the war in Iraq. The writer wants the readers to join him in his opinion that a glorious and total victory will come at some point in the conflict between Iraq and the U.S.

The writer apparently believes victory is a foregone conclusion because of a passage in the Koran which could be interpreted to suit the present situation. It is unclear whether the forwarding of this mass of tidbits is going to help win the war or fire up more war hawks here in the U.S.

Interesting enough, but after providing a list of coincidences, the author tries to clinch the matter with the schoolyard threat: “I better not hear of anyone breaking this one or see it deleted.” Wooo!

My best guess is that the originator of this Iraqi-Biblical trivia wants us to engage in what-iffing, to tremble at the prospect of someone revealing that I failed to forward it to “13 people in 15 minutes,” as the message urges. But nobody I know would be that vindictive or punitive: turning me in.

And I’m not sure I have 13 friends who would remain friendly after they received it.

And I wonder about the magic to “13 people in 15 minutes. Do people with the old-fashioned dial-up connections stand a better chance of being pummeled because their Internet connection is slower and 13 in 15 may be pushing it? And why didn’t the author of the message promise some kind of bonus for punctuality? Frequently, those who ask us to “send a copy to everyone in your address book” promise us riches, health, or 72 virgins, just for our trouble.

The e-mail arrived on my laptop several days ago, so clearly, I’ve missed the 13-15 deadline. The writer makes implicit threats against those who fail to forward the missive. However, the fear of what might happen for deleting the e-mail, or breaking the chain is horrifying. Remember, the person who sent it means it when he or she says, “I better not hear…”

Remember when we used to receive real mail, I mean mail as in something one wrote or typed? Mail before every bank on the planet offered credit cards and every charity sent us mail labels? Occasionally, chain letters made their way into our mailbag, and the threat of bad luck, or the promise of good luck, was just as clear.

Chain letters in those days promised fortune, health and especially money. They told of the widow who kept the chain going and ended up fabulously wealthy. Or the man who broke the chain and got struck by lightning the same day.

Fate wasn’t kind to the victim. And besides, it is possible that he didn’t really break the chain, he just hadn’t yet mailed the letters, although he was on his way to the P.O.

Connecting with large audiences today is much simpler because of electronic messages. Today, it’s easy to copy everyone in our computer’s mailbox. A quick click of the mouse instantly forwards the message to countless people. And compare that with what we had to do in the olden days: photo-copy a dozen letters, add our name to the bottom of the list, address each one separately and mail a copy to each friend. With postage, that was expensive.

Either way, through e-mail or snail mail, we’ve been warned not to break the chain or delete the message, simply because someone “better not hear of it.”

Even President Bush is above the “better not hear of” syndrome in regard to people’s disregarding “nukuler” threats by the “tear-ists.” But apparently the keep-‘em-scared-or-the-enemy-will-win strategy works, or else the troops would have been home long ago.

Meanwhile, as I sought to copy a line from the Iraqi-Biblical e-mail for this column, I inadvertently deleted the entire e-mail.

I’d better not hear that I’m in trouble for that.