Category Archives: Personal

Dad

Before becoming a parent, most people imagine their future life with kids as one of endless patience, tireless playtime, and sweet, cuddly moments.

Every parent knows, however, that no matter how calm and reasonable you imagined your parenting to be,  nothing can prepare you for the constant fraying of nerves that a parent is subjected to.

I’m often amused when I talk to people who aren’t parents, and they say things like they’ll never snap at their kids because they remember how painful it was when their parents snapped at them. Yes. I used to think the same thing. Or that they’ll always make time to explain things and discuss whatever topic the kid finds interesting. Sure, in theory, but a kid asks questions faster than they can be answered, and their thinking is far from linear which is both delightful and incredibly frustrating at times.

cycle-virginia

Dad and me, circa 1971

Now, seven years into being a father, I see that no matter how much fun and how playful you imagine yourself to be before you become a parent, and despite the fact that playing with your kids is a great deal of fun, you still have to make time for it. Or I do anyway.

I have to consciously put down whatever project I’m working on, take a deep breath, and remind myself that my kids will not be this young for long. There will come a day in the not so distant future then they will not want to play and roll around on the floor with their dad, and so the time to be silly is now. The time to poke, tickle, chase, and play games with them is today.

And even then, Read More →

First one, and then the other

There are, generally speaking, two phases of life. How long each lasts varies on the individual and circumstance, but these two phases and the order in which they come are universal.

During the first phase, one longs for adventure. Predictability is boring, if not oppressive. During this phase the world, as it stands, seems like evidence that previous generations either lacked imagination, or were hopelessly incompetent.

The second phase is the opposite. Experience teaches you, one way or the other, that everything you have might be taken away from you at any time, for no good reason, forever. This is the stage were you’re smart enough to enjoy things you took for granted when you were young, like breakfast. Or going for a walk. Or merely having a reliably affable friend or family member.

At first things can’t change fast enough, and then things change too fast. We spend the first part of our lives looking for a fast forward button, and the second looking for a pause button.

It’s not as though one can’t oscillate a bit. At times when you’re young — if you’re lucky — you cherish the moment and wish things wouldn’t change too fast. And at times when you’re older you get restless or frustrated with aspects of your life, but in general once you enter the second stage you don’t go back.

Perhaps it’s as simple as being restless and greedy when you’re stupid enough to think that you have nothing to lose and are owed more than you’re getting. Read More →

No regrets, no reflection

Regret is a bad word, apparently. Many, many times, I’ve said said I regret something, and been reprimanded. People aren’t shy about telling you that you that they regret nothing. “No regrets!” they say. They sometimes qualify it by admitting they haven’t been angels but insist that regret is not part of their experience.

“I’ve made some mistakes, but I have no regrets.”

Apparently people associate regret with weakness, or being a failure. If I told someone, “I’m a failure” or “I’m too weak to live on this planet” then I would expect a reprimand followed by a little pep-talk, but to say that I regret something seems completely natural to me. It’s the absence of regret that worries me. If you truly have no regrets, then you’ve truly done no reflection about how your actions have impacted other people, or, for that matter, how you’ve suffered from some of your own actions.

I regret, for example, being overweight for the better part of two decades. I regret perhaps not all but much of the time I spent in relationships that I knew were doomed. I regret the time I spent running away from my passions instead of embracing them. I regret those things. I wish I’d acted differently, and, if I could do it all over again, I’d do things differently. That’s what regret means.

Another reaction I often get when expressing regret is that the mistakes I’ve made are all part of making me who I am today. And that’s fair enough, but I’m skeptical that who I am today is the best possible version of who I might be otherwise. Yes, my mistakes taught me lessons, and some of those lessons couldn’t be learned any other way. But I regret the things that I knew were bad ideas and did anyway. I regret the lessons I had to learn twice.

Here’s the deal

When I was 12 or so, much to my amazement, my dad decided to buy a motorcycle. Even better, it wasn’t a big Harley or a Goldwing — it was a little Kawasaki 100, a bike that wasn’t out of the question for me to ride. I must have sensed this, because I thought of it as mine, or at least partly mine, shortly after we got it.

It had been advertised in the local paper for $275. The address was in the older part of town. Not a particularly rough neighborhood, but not a nice one either. I remember driving up and seeing the bike for the first time.

I was keenly interested in motorcycles. Two older boys in my neighborhood had bikes like this one (better, actually, but you have to start somewhere) and I followed them around, peppering them with questions and hoping that they’d suffer temporary insanity and let me go for a ride.

I also knew my dad, and it wouldn’t be like him to say we were going to buy something and then change his mind. And so I’m sure it was obvious that I was excited, and I’m sure this fact wasn’t lost on the seller. Read More →

Prague

Lisbeth and the girls, freshly arrived and installed in our urban pad for the week An odd choice, I know, but this is my favorite building in Prague. It looks more like ship than a building. For an American that grew up in the American Southwest, apartment buildings like these are impressive, even though they're pretty run-of-the-mill for European cities. The view from one of the terraces in our apartment Aunt Beth sent two homemade dresses, which the girls wore quite happily June and Bonbon

This year, for the first time since moving to Europe, I am not traveling to the US for summer vacation. Instead we spend our vacation in Europe where we were joined for two weeks by my parents and my brother Ben and his wife Heather. We spent the first week in Prague, where we rented an apartment big enough for all eight of us.

Ellen and her grandfather bonded over several games of catch Ellen and her grandfather bonded over several games of catch Ellen and her grandfather bonded over several games of catch DSC_6179.JPG DSC_6183.JPG The start of many excursions into the heart of Prague

This was the first time any of us had been to Prague with the exception of Lisbeth who’d been there last at a teenager and didn’t remember much about it except that it left a positive impression. It’s a very pretty city Read More →

So you think you can tell

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell, blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

- Pink Floyd — Wish You Were Here

When I was nine or ten, I became troubled by issues of perception. It started when our teacher had each of us tell the class our favorite color. To my amazement, the answers differed.

This bothered me. And conversations with my brother and parents did little to help. They seemed very comfortable with their choices for favorite color, and resisted my attempts to convert them to my favorite — green. They were amused by these attempts… but a touch dismissive too.

Then it hit me. We DID all like green. Of course we did. The problem was that we didn’t see colors the same way.

If, for example, my brother and I were looking at the same object, I might perceive the object as being green, but he might perceive it as being red. This is why we couldn’t agree that this object was the best possible color. Every time he saw something that I perceived as green, he saw red, and so he rejected “green” as his favorite color despite it’s clear superiority.

Likewise, when he pointed out an object that he perceived as green and said, “that’s my favorite color”, I would probably see it as yellow or something, and reject his choice even though we were in complete agreement. Green is the best color. Read More →

Christmas 2013

This year, for the first time, I traveled to New Mexico to visit family taking only Ellen along. It was a really good trip. Not only is Ellen old enough to be away from her mother for two weeks, but she proved to be a fun and affable traveler.

Ellen at the Copenhagen airport Ellen, quickly adjusting to being on vacation with dad Dad Dad, experimenting with his camera Visiting the Thompson ranch in Springer Ellen takes a short ride on Sugar with help from Aunt Donna and Uncle Clarance DSC_2689.JPG Maracas! Nothing says Christmas like student wanna-be cops Call me nostalgic, but when I was a kid, Santa didn't need protection Call me nostalgic, but when I was a kid, Santa didn't need protection Call me nostalgic, but when I was a kid, Santa didn't need protection Call me nostalgic, but when I was a kid, Santa didn't need protection Carly dances at a school performance at the United World College Mom and Carly slave away in the kitchen Carly and mom slave away in the kitchen My sweet traveling companion Got some snow a few days before Christmas Got some snow a few days before Christmas Got some snow a few days before Christmas DSC_2893.JPG DSC_2900.JPG DSC_2905.JPG The drought has killed a lot of trees How did people travel with kids before the iPad was invented? Ben waits impatiently to be served at Sushi King Heather at Sushi King Diego at Sushi King Ellen entertained herself practically all day while I worked on some programming problems with Ben Ellen entertained herself practically all day while I worked on some programming problems with Ben

Ellen had a great time, but the highlight was the “River of Lights” at the Albuquerque Botanic Garden, which we saw with Ben and Heather. At one point she stopped running around and asked me, “Will we ever see this again?” I said I didn’t know — maybe we wouldn’t. She got sad, and has mentioned this possibility to her mother since we returned, so we’d better plan to return.

Part of the 'River of Lights' display at the Albuquerque Botanic Garden Part of the 'River of Lights' display at the Albuquerque Botanic Garden Part of the 'River of Lights' display at the Albuquerque Botanic Garden Part of the 'River of Lights' display at the Albuquerque Botanic Garden Part of the 'River of Lights' display at the Albuquerque Botanic Garden Part of the 'River of Lights' display at the Albuquerque Botanic Garden DSC_2990.JPG Part of the 'River of Lights' display at the Albuquerque Botanic Garden Part of the 'River of Lights' display at the Albuquerque Botanic Garden Part of the 'River of Lights' display at the Albuquerque Botanic Garden Part of the 'River of Lights' display at the Albuquerque Botanic Garden Part of the 'River of Lights' display at the Albuquerque Botanic Garden Part of the 'River of Lights' display at the Albuquerque Botanic Garden Part of the 'River of Lights' display at the Albuquerque Botanic Garden Part of the 'River of Lights' display at the Albuquerque Botanic Garden

We had a mix of weather, but generally it was warm and sunny, which was a welcome relief from the damp and dark of Denmark. We also had a bit of snow, so it’s not like it was so warm that we forgot it was Christmas.

Ellen squints in the bright New Mexico sunshine Mom, on a walk into town Carly reacts to her new tablet from Bon-bon and Pampah Connie covets a gift Ellen Arthur Nerd heaven Ellen got plenty of attention from her uncle Ben and auntie Heather DSC_3105.JPG DSC_3163.JPG DSC_3174.JPG Celina, Leah, Joe, Ellen, Cora, and Carly The Coppock gift exchange Celina Cora, Heather, and Ellen Mom and dad's house Waiting for our flight in Albuquerque Waiting for our flight in Albuquerque

Scenes from the grind

I’ve never been so busy in my life. There isn’t enough time in the day. Time flies. And other cliches.

June enlists mom to help scrape out the last of an ice cream My sweet, doe-eyed Ellen Rainbow over Kålagervej Sending dad off to work in the morning Near the office A sunny Saturday at Tivoli

I’ve never been so busy in my life. But I’ve also never been so motivated. It’s not easy, but it’s very much worth it.

Summer Vacation 2013

This summer, our vacation was a little different. Instead of flying directly to the US from Copenhagen, we flew to Frankfurt first, where we had a five hour layover before flying on to Denver.

A five hour layover is something I would have liked to avoid before I had kids, but a layover is your friend when you’re traveling with energetic little people who are used to being able to run around all day long.

Vacation! Waiting in Copenhagen for our flight to Frankfurt Waiting in Frankfurt for our flight to Denver Waiting in Frankfurt for our flight to Denver Waiting in Frankfurt for our flight to Denver Waiting in Frankfurt for our flight to Denver Got a bassinet on the plane (whew!)

Except for a few minutes of icy fear caused by “ESTA” (the for-profit private agency that handles US Visas) when they refused to let Lisbeth board the flight despite the fact that she had a valid visa, it was a pleasant time. But the best part of this itinerary was that once we made the long flight to the US, we were done. That’s a lot nicer than having to face a domestic flight after the Atlantic flight.

Denver, staying with Sarah and Troy Denver, staying with Sarah and Troy Denver, staying with Sarah and Troy
In Denver we stayed with my cousin Sarah and her husband Troy. Read More →

Those demanding sprouts

Ellen: the result of four and a half years of parenting

I didn’t put a great deal of thought into parenthood before having kids, but I knew what kind of parent I didn’t want to be. I would see mothers holding up lines while ordering because they were consulting their tired three-year-old about whether to get the cheeseburger or the chicken nugget happy meal. I didn’t want to be that parent, for a number of reasons.

June: a very compact and solid form of energy and mischief

Or the guy who, seeing his kid melt down in a grocery store, caves in to the kid’s every demand. That, I told myself, would never be me. And of course I didn’t want to be the parent that complains about their kids, reprimanding them in public so everyone knows what a good parent you are and how bad they are. I also didn’t want to be one of those parents who have trouble talking about anything other than their kids.

June, charging batteries in preparation for her next onslaught

I’ve managed to stick to some of these promise. I haven’t yet given into to the threat of the public tantrum (but plenty of opportunities await in the future.) And I’m not much for asking toddlers which menu options strike their fancy.

But in some ways I’ve failed. I often find myself talking at length about what Ellen said the other morning, or how June can already hot-wire a car…

Now that's how one eats melon

But what I didn’t know before I became a parent (and wouldn’t have known even if someone had tried to explain it) is that a kid is so time-consuming and demanding that they become a bigger part of your life than you expect. Naturally there is a parent’s love for his child — that I part I did anticipate — but there is also the fact that, to some degree, the life of a parent is one of either caring for kids or thinking about caring for kids.

June

And yet in the meanwhile, life goes on. Things like jobs don’t become optional because you’re a parent. And so to my surprise, because of the demands of being a parent, I’ve found that I’m more efficient and productive than I was before having kids. My life up until I was forty was one of almost constant procrastination. But now I do very little procrastination. Wasting time is a luxury I just don’t have anymore.

Ellen

But, while I may be more efficient, my time is still very, very limited. So some things suffer. And one of those things is this blog. For a long time I wrote three or four entries a month, but now I’m pressed to write one a month.

And what are those entries generally about? My kids, naturally.

But ultimately there isn’t much to say.  They are, despite the mistakes I make and will continue to make, delightful, happy, healthy girls. Incredibly demanding, yes, but delightful.