The first time we saw Ellen, she was still in the womb. What we saw was a grainy, black-n-white approximation of her, but it was good. It was good to have the pregnancy so succinctly confirmed. It was good to see her little features. It was fun to take a tour of her little body. Here are her hands, here are her kidneys, here is her nose… here is her heart, beating away.
But the best part was being told that she was healthy. More than that — that she was a fine specimen. Hearing this, from a trained professional that scans unborn babies every day, was deeply comforting. In retrospect this set the tone for our experience with Ellen. She was healthy before birth, and she was strong throughout the birth. She emerged in a perfect fashion, and has been developing perfectly ever since.
But we learned the hard way, the next time around, that not every ultrasound ends happily. Not every scan fills parents with pride and sends them out of the hospital floating on a cloud. Not every scan results in blurry images proudly posted on blogs and on Facebook.
We would have had a son. He would have been exactly two years younger than Ellen (the due date was February 16, Ellen’s birthday). We were happily making room for him — planning for his arrival both practically and emotionally. At the time we didn’t know he was a boy, but we were making room anyway.
We were — because one can’t help it — counting our chickens before they had hatched.
To suddenly return from being a family of almost four to a family of three has been hard. The grief, even though I could not have understood it before becoming a parent, is real, and something I hope not to experience again.
But it’s not all bad. We were reminded what fantastic family and friends we have. That’s a very good thing. And we were reminded how lucky we are, both to have Ellen and to have each other. We’re more appreciative of our little family than ever before, and that too is a very good thing.
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