I am a tea partier

I am a tea partier. I believe in America. I believe in liberty. I believe in freedom. And I believe that these things are being taken away by sinister forces working to destroy American from within.

I am a tea partier. I believe in paying virtually no taxes, and yet somehow maintaining the greatest country in the world.

I believe it was fine to spend a trillion taxpayer dollars to invade and occupy a foreign country for bogus reasons, but I’ll be damned if I’ll stand for a trillion dollars being spent to stabilize the American economy or create American jobs. I’d rather see the American economy collapse than see my taxes go up.

I believe that living with laws that induce businesses to reduce how much energy they use or how much pollution they produce is exactly like living in a totalitarian regime.

I believe in liberty and freedom. Except the freedom to decide if or when to become a parent. Or the freedom to decide when and how to die. Or the freedom to marry the person who you love if I don’t like your preferences. Or the freedoms of Muslims to build places of worship. Or the freedoms of dark-skinned people to move around freely without having to show their immigration papers. All those things should be forbidden. But otherwise I believe in liberty and freedom.

I believe that “the environment” is an imaginary invention of radical leftists and therefore affects me in no way whatsoever, and never will.

I believe in personal responsibility. I believe there are too many whiners in America. I believe that democrats are whiners that are always looking for someone to blame when something happens to them. But sometimes bad things happen to people, and it’s nobody’s fault. Except when bad things happen to me, because when that happens it’s obviously the work of Communist and/or satanic forces that have infiltrated the government.

I believe that having taxpayers pay for a national safety net that prevents Americans from going bankrupt when they get sick is exactly like living in a totalitarian regime.

I believe that the best way to prepare a child to be successful in a global contest for jobs and resources is to keep him home from school and fill his head with bible stories.

I believe we should abolish the Department of Education, the Federal Trade Commission, the Federal Drug Administration, and any other organizations that are designed to protect us from ignorance, fraud, and food poisoning.

I believe that the best way forward is to go back to the time of the founding fathers, when the constitution was brand new and the United States was truly pro-business. There was no income tax. The work week had six productive days of twelve hours each. There were no federal agencies meddling in business. There were no unions. There were no child labor laws. Slave labor was available in many states. Only by getting back to our roots will America become great again.

I believe in personal fitness, but walking or riding a bike to work is a communist plot designed to destroy America. I also believe that driving an electric car is exactly like living in a totalitarian regime.

I believe that the only way to fight fraud or waste in a public institution is to destroy the entire institution. Strangely, private institutions can be saved through careful purging and new hires, but public institutions cannot be.

I believe that if government gives aid easily, it’s a nanny-state that encourages dependence and rewards incompetence. I believe that if government boosts the requirements for the same aid, then that is evidence of typical government bureaucracy. But I also believe that if that same aid came to me instead of someone else… then it’s about damn time — it was my money in the first place.

I believe that it is smarter to abandon the party and president I previously supported than to admit that I was wrong. I believe that it’s better to take the exact same ideas into a new party, and leave the blame behind.

I believe that this somehow proves that I was right all along.

One Thought on “I am a tea partier

  1. art Trujillo on December 5, 2010 at 5:30 pm said:

    Interesting piece, well expressed.
    … However …
    Someone who doesn’t read the entire entry might just fail to get the irony. And of course you remember that piece called “A Modest Proposal,” by Jonathan Swift . . .


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