Monthly Archives: June 2006

How big a house does Gucci Guy need?

    Two events, which I hope coalesce at the end of this piece, caught my attention only this week, reinforcing my fear that we’re going to run out of space.
    The two things are the go-ahead for a Gucci guru to build the biggest house in Christendom, and watching a real neighborhood game of keep-away near the house where I grew up.
    Let’s begin with Tom Ford, who got approval to erect a 15,862 square-foot house-plus on a mountaintop in Santa Fe. This construction, buildings alone, is the size of our double lot in Camp Luna, but if the Gucci guy were to plunk down the house where we planted our double-wide, he’d be trespassing just by leaving the front door.

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Panda eats, shoots and leaves

    A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.
    “Why?” asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
    “I’m a panda,” he says at the door. “Look it up.”

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But weight . . . there’s more

    It’s been my concern for several years, ever since the dawning of The Flabbifying of America, that people are carrying around too much weight.
    A recent visit to the Golden Corral’s all-you-can-eat buffet in Rio Rancho convinced me that an abundance of food addicts people who become so overzealous that they gorge on whatever’s available, prompting enforcement of the painfully simple rule: take all you want, but eat all you take.

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Cars too complicated

    The tech age has rendered many of us would-be mechanics helpless. For that reason, my ego got a boost when I was able — in the period of six months — to diagnose the same automotive problem — twice.
    Currently, my diagnostic skills and automotive knowledge consist of the ability to say, “That’s the tire that’s flat” and “The mechanic assured me all it needed was a quart of turn-signal fluid.”
    But let’s get back to the diagnoses:

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Amigos, save your dictionaries

    Most of us have heard about the immigrant from Mexico who was the last one to arrive at a sold-out major league baseball stadium and needed to perch on the flagpole to watch the game.
    His elation became apparent when he later told his family, “Everyone in the stadium looked toward me and asked, ‘Jose, can you see?'”

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