I didn’t say ‘junk’

Did John Pistole have the timing down just right? As head of the Transportation Security Administration, he waited . . . and waited for the start of the busiest travel time of the year to surprise air travelers with three options: submit to a full-body screening, agree to an “enhanced” body pat-down, or stay home.

Thanks to our oldest son Stan’s decision to move to, marry in and become a father in Denmark, my wife, Bonnie, and I do a lot more air traveling than before. Much more. And in the past I’ve written considerably about my conviction that I’m one of the few travelers singled out constantly so others can check my stuff.

I didn’t say “junk.” That interesting choice of words comes from a John Tyner, a traveler in San Diego, whose cause has become viral after he resisted going through a full-body scan that, though less touchy-feelie than the pat-down, is more “observant.”

Tyner said to an airport security agent, “If you touch my junk, I’ll have you arrested.” His threat apparently has spawned a rallying cry for “Opt Out Day,” today. That plan would assuredly bog down TSA workers and deliver a message, sort of a passenger rebellion.

In addition to the numerous times I’ve been singled out at security and been asked the same, painfully tedious and repetitious questions, we had a pre-TSA incident years ago.

Let me explain:

During the ‘70s, I’d spend my summers in journalism school in Columbia, Mo. My family would drive there with me, and after a week, I’d take them to the Kansas City International Airport for their flight back home. In 1979 we had our 11-month-old, Benjie, in a stroller. As I dropped them off (non-ticketed people were allowed in the terminal at that time), I noticed an airport official patting Benjie, around the collar.

What seemed like an affectionate gesture (and why not? He was a precious tater tot!) really was a security measure. What if this mild-mannered family from New Mexico had used their toddler as a means of smuggling in a pistol or a nuclear arsenal?

Security was much more lax in those pre-9/11 days, but it did exist. There had been a number of terrorist attacks throughout the world, but nothing yet the likes of the World Trade Center disasters.

I’m among those who believe passenger privacy is important. A well-circulated photograph shows a TSA official performing an enhanced pat-down on a traveler in Denver. That image makes me believe that such closeness would convince the that the TSA has simply gone too far. Any more pressure by the TSA man would have caused the prospective passenger to levitate.

It’s true, TSA officials are merely doing their job, but it’s hard to imagine that the typical young woman finishing her college exams and jaunting to another city to visit family has really stowed explosives in that 4 oz. plastic bottle of lotion. And it’s far-fetched to assume the 71-year-old retired teacher has enough explosives tucked in his sandals to level an airport.

Other than finding some other mode of transportation, does the traveler have real options? Well, we could all run for and be elected to congress. The New York Times reported Friday that John Boehner, the house-speaker-to-be, was able to avoid the full-body scan as well as the more invasive pat-down. In fact, in his commercial flight, he and his entourage were allowed to skip security checks altogether, and they went directly to the plane. That’s one of the perks of being a public servant.

•••

Something destined to keep people busy for weeks comes in the form of several weird movie titles, submitted by teacher, poet and wordsmith Richard Bodner of Las Vegas.

As you will recall, a few weeks ago, I dreamed up movie scenarios and asked readers to supply the movie title (“Done with the Mind” as opposed to “Gone with the Wind; The Perminator/The Terminator).

In Bodner’s case, he occasionally supplies the titles and let’s us imagine what zany plot and cast of characters would justify such titles. Here are some of his submissions/concoctions:

Of local interest:

• The Kiva can’t find it; neither can the Serf. Maybe somebody drove off with it. (The Lost Picture Show)
• Speaking of theaters, there’s Caroline Rackley’s project with the Dons and Donnettes. (West Side Story Theater)
• The Russians have landed and painted all the local turf Cardinal. (Red Lawn)
• Andre Garcia-Nuthman’s version of The Empire Strikes Bach, starring Harrison Ford. (The Fugue-itive)
• Richard Dreyfuss tames the wild beast, and then finds homes for strays. (Paws)
• After a rather civil war before the County Commission, Rhett Butler Renewable Energy packs up and heads for gustier climes, with a last, “Frankly, San Miguel, I don’t give a dam.” (Gone With the Wind Turbines)
• The checkpoint appears with sign that both advertises the film and proclaims the new Herbal Tea Party entry policy at the border. (No Country for Old Menshiviks)
• Insurance office adds simple coverage for anything at risk. (E. Z. Riders)
• November Sundays at the Las Vegas National Wildlife Refuge. (Meet the Flockers)